Every man shall be ennobled--every lady shall have unlimited credit at the Court Milliner's, and all salaries shall be paid weekly in advance!
GRET.Oh, it's quite clear he knows how to rule a Grand Duchy!
ERN.Rule a Grand Duchy? Why, my good girl, for ten years past I've ruled a theatrical company! A man who can do that can rule anything!
SONG--ERNEST.
Were I a king in very truth, And had a son--a guileless youth--In probable succession;To teach him patience, teach him tact, How promptly in a fix to act, He should adopt, in point of fact, A manager's profession.
To that condition he should stoop (Despite a too fond mother), With eight or ten "stars" in his troupe, All jealous of each other!
Oh, the man who can rule a theatrical crew, Each member a genius (and some of them two), And manage to humour them, little and great, Can govern this tuppenny State!
ALL.Oh, the man, etc.
Both A and B rehearsal slight--
They say they'll be "all right at night"
(They've both to go to school yet);
C in each act must change her dress, D will attempt to "square the press";E won't play Romeo unless His grandmother plays Juliet;F claims all hoydens as her rights (She's played them thirty seasons);And G must show herself in tights For two convincing reasons--Two very well-shaped reasons!
Oh, the man who can drive a theatrical team, With wheelers and leaders in order supreme, Can govern and rule, with a wave of his fin, All Europe--with Ireland thrown in!
ALL.Oh, the man, etc.
[Exeunt all but ERNEST.
ERN.Elected by my fellow-conspirators to be Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig as soon as the contemptible little occupant of the historical throne is deposed--here is promotion indeed!
Why, instead of playing Troilus of Troy for a month, I shall play Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig for a lifetime! Yet, am Ihappy? No--far from happy! The lovely English comdienne--the beautiful Julia, whose dramatic ability is so overwhelming that our audiences forgive even her strong English accent--that rare and radiant being treats my respectful advances with disdain unutterable! And yet, who knows? She is haughty and ambitious, and it may be that the splendid change in my fortunes may work a corresponding change in her feelings towards me!
Enter JULIA JELLICOE.
JULIA.Herr Dummkopf, a word with you, if you please.
ERN.Beautiful English maiden--
JULIA.No compliments, I beg.I desire to speak with you on a purely professional matter, so we will, if you please, dispense with allusions to my personal appearance, which can only tend to widen the breach which already exists between us.
ERN.(aside).My only hope shattered! The haughty Londoner still despises me! (Aloud.) It shall be as you will.
JULIA.I understand that the conspiracy in which we are all concerned is to develop to-morrow, and that the company is likely to elect you to the throne on the understanding that the posts about the Court are to be filled by members of your theatrical troupe, according to their professional importance.
ERN.That is so.
JULIA.Then all I can say is that it places me in an extremely awkward position.
ERN.(very depressed).I don't see how it concerns you.
JULIA.Why, bless my heart, don't you see that, as your leading lady, I am bound under a serious penalty to play the leading part in all your productions?
ERN.Well?
JULIA.Why, of course, the leading part in this production will be the Grand Duchess!
ERN.My wife?
JULIA.That is another way of expressing the same idea.
ERN.(aside--delighted).I scarcely dared even to hope for this!
JULIA.Of course, as your leading lady, you'll be mean enough to hold me to the terms of my agreement.Oh, that's so like a man! Well, I suppose there's no help for it--I shall have to do it!
ERN.(aside).She's mine! (Aloud.) But--do you really think you would care to play that part? (Taking her hand.)JULIA (withdrawing it).Care to play it? Certainly not--but what am I to do? Business is business, and I am bound by the terms of my agreement.
ERN.It's for a long run, mind--a run that may last many, many years--no understudy--and once embarked upon there's no throwing it up.
JULIA.Oh, we're used to these long runs in England: they are the curse of the stage--but, you see, I've no option.
ERN.You think the part of Grand Duchess will be good enough for you?
JULIA.Oh, I think so.It's a very good part in Gerolstein, and oughtn't to be a bad one in Pfennig Halbpfennig.
Why, what did you suppose I was going to play?
ERN.(keeping up a show of reluctance) But, considering your strong personal dislike to me and your persistent rejection of my repeated offers, won't you find it difficult to throw yourself into the part with all the impassioned enthusiasm that the character seems to demand? Remember, it's a strongly emotional part, involving long and repeated scenes of rapture, tenderness, adoration, devotion--all in luxuriant excess, and all of the most demonstrative description.
JULIA.My good sir, throughout my career I have made it a rule never to allow private feeling to interfere with my professional duties.You may be quite sure that (however distasteful the part may be) if I undertake it, I shall consider myself professionally bound to throw myself into it with all the ardour at my command.
ERN.(aside--with effusion).I'm the happiest fellow alive!
(Aloud.) Now--would you have any objection--to--to give me some idea--if it's only a mere sketch--as to how you would play it?
It would be really interesting--to me--to know your conception of--of--the part of my wife.
JULIA.How would I play it? Now, let me see--let me see.
(Considering.) Ah, I have it!
BALLAD--JULIA.
How would I play this part--
The Grand Duke's Bride?
All rancour in my heart I'd duly hide--
I'd drive it from my recollection And 'whelm you with a mock affection, Well calculated to defy detection--That's how I'd play this part--The Grand Duke's Bride.