When you tell me you're perfection, Tender, truthful, true, and comely--That in quarrel no one's bolder, Though dissensions always grieve you--Why, my love, you're so much older That, of course, I must believe you!
CHORUS.Yes, of course, she must believe you!
CHORUS.
If he ever acts unkindly, Shut your eyes and love him blindly--Should he call you names uncomely, Shut your mouth and love him dumbly--Should he rate you, rightly--leftly--Shut your ears and love him deafly.
Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
Thus and thus and thus alone Ludwig's wife may hold her own!
(LUDWIG and LISA sit at table.)
Enter NOTARY TANNHAUSER.
NOT.Hallo! Surely I'm not late? (All chatter unintelligibly in reply.)NOT.But, dear me, you're all at breakfast! Has the wedding taken place? (All chatter unintelligibly in reply.)NOT.My good girls, one at a time, I beg.Let me understand the situation.As solicitor to the conspiracy to dethrone the Grand Duke--a conspiracy in which the members of this company are deeply involved--I am invited to the marriage of two of its members.I present myself in due course, and I find, not only that the ceremony has taken place--which is not of the least consequence --but the wedding breakfast is half eaten--which is a consideration of the most serious importance.
(LUDWIG and LISA come down.)
LUD.But the ceremony has not taken place.We can't get a parson!
NOT.Can't get a parson! Why, how's that? They're three a penny!
LUD.Oh, it's the old story--the Grand Duke!
ALL.Ugh!
LUD.It seems that the little imp has selected this, our wedding day, for a convocation of all the clergy in the town to settle the details of his approaching marriage with the enormously wealthy Baroness von Krakenfeldt, and there won't be a parson to be had for love or money until six o'clock this evening!
LISA.And as we produce our magnificent classical revival of Troilus and Cressida to-night at seven, we have no alternative but to eat our wedding breakfast before we've earned it.So sit down, and make the best of it.
GRET.Oh, I should like to pull his Grand Ducal ears for him, that I should! He's the meanest, the cruellest, the most spiteful little ape in Christendom!
OLGA.Well, we shall soon be freed from his tyranny.
To-morrow the Despot is to be dethroned!
LUD.Hush, rash girl! You know not what you say.
OLGA.Don't be absurd! We're all in it--we're all tiled, here.
LUD.That has nothing to do with it.Know ye not that in alluding to our conspiracy without having first given and received the secret sign, you are violating a fundamental principle of our Association?
SONG--LUDWIG.
By the mystic regulation Of our dark Association, Ere you open conversation With another kindred soul, You must eat a sausage-roll! (Producing one.)ALL.You must eat a sausage-roll!
LUD.If, in turn, he eats another, That's a sign that he's a brother--Each may fully trust the other.
It is quaint and it is droll, But it's bilious on the whole.
ALL.Very bilious on the whole.
LUD.It's a greasy kind of pasty, Which, perhaps, a judgement hasty Might consider rather tasty:
Once (to speak without disguise)
It found favour in our eyes.
ALL.It found favour in our eyes.
LUD.But when you've been six months feeding (As we have) on this exceeding Bilious food, it's no ill-breeding If at these repulsive pies Our offended gorges rise!
ALL.Our offended gorges rise!
MARTHA.Oh, bother the secret sign! I've eaten it until I'm quite uncomfortable! I've given it six times already to-day--and (whimpering) I can't eat any breakfast!
BERTHA.And it's so unwholesome.Why, we should all be as yellow as frogs if it wasn't for the make-up!
LUD.All this is rank treason to the cause.I suffer as much as any of you.I loathe the repulsive thing--I can't contemplate it without a shudder--but I'm a conscientious conspirator, and if you won't give the sign I will.(Eats sausage-roll with an effort.)LISA.Poor martyr! He's always at it, and it's a wonder where he puts it!
NOT.Well now, about Troilus and Cressida.What do you play?
LUD.(struggling with his feelings).If you'll be so obliging as to wait until I've got rid of this feeling of warm oil at the bottom of my throat, I'll tell you all about it.
(LISA gives him some brandy.) Thank you, my love; it's gone.
Well, the piece will be produced upon a scale of unexampled magnificence.It is confidently predicted that my appearance as King Agamemnon, in a Louis Quatorze wig, will mark an epoch in the theatrical annals of Pfennig Halbpfennig.I endeavoured to persuade Ernest Dummkopf, our manager, to lend us the classical dresses for our marriage.Think of the effect of a real Athenian wedding procession cavorting through the streets of Speisesaal!
Torches burning--cymbals banging--flutes tootling--citharae twanging--and a throng of fifty lovely Spartan virgins capering before us, all down the High Street, singing "Eloia! Eloia!
Opoponax, Eloia!" It would have been tremendous!
NOT.And he declined?
LUD.He did, on the prosaic ground that it might rain, and the ancient Greeks didn't carry umbrellas! If, as is confidently expected, Ernest Dummkopf is elected to succeed the dethroned one, mark any words, he will make a mess of it.
[Exit LUDWIG with LISA.
OLGA.He's sure to be elected.His entire company has promised to plump for him on the understanding that all the places about the Court are filled by members of his troupe, according to professional precedence.
ERNEST enters in great excitement.
BERTHA (looking off).Here comes Ernest Dummkopf.Now we shall know all about it!
ALL.Well--what's the news? How is the election going?
ERN.Oh, it's a certainty--a practical certainty! Two of the candidates have been arrested for debt, and the third is a baby in arms--so, if you keep your promises, and vote solid, I'm cocksure of election!
OLGA.Trust to us.But you remember the conditions?
ERN.Yes--all of you shall be provided for, for life.