POOH.It is consequently my degrading duty to serve this upstart as First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chief Justice, Commander-in-Chief, Lord High Admiral, Master of the Buckhounds, Groom of the Back Stairs, Archbishop of Titipu, and Lord Mayor, both acting and elect, all rolled into one.And at a salary! APooh-Bah paid for his services! I a salaried minion! But I do it! It revolts me, but I do it!
NANK.And it does you credit.
POOH.But I don't stop at that.I go and dine with middle-class people on reasonable terms.I dance at cheap suburban parties for a moderate fee.I accept refreshment at any hands, however lowly.I also retail State secrets at a very low figure.For instance, any further information about Yum-Yum would come under the head of a State secret.(Nanki-Poo takes his hint, and gives him money.) (Aside.) Another insult and, Ithink, a light one!
SONG--POOH-BAH with NANKI-POO and PISH-TUSH.
Young man, despair, Likewise go to, Yum-Yum the fair You must not woo.
It will not do:
I'm sorry for you, You very imperfect ablutioner!
This very day From school Yum-Yum Will wend her way, And homeward come, With beat of drum And a rum-tum-tum, To wed the Lord High executioner!
And the brass will crash, And the trumpets bray, And they'll cut a dash On their wedding day.
She'll toddle away, as all aver, With the Lord High Executioner '
NANK.and POOH.And the brass will crash, etc.
It's a hopeless case, As you may see, And in your place Away I'd flee;But don't blame me--I'm sorry to be Of your pleasure a diminutioner.
They'll vow their pact Extremely soon, In point of fact This afternoon.
Her honeymoon With that buffoon At seven commences, so you shun her!
ALL.And the brass will crash, etc.
[Exit Pish-Tush.
RECIT.--NANKI-POO and POOH-BAH.
NANK.And I have journeyed for a month, or nearly, To learn that Yum-Yum, whom I love so dearly, This day to Ko-Ko is to be united!
POOH.The fact appears to be as you've recited:
But here he comes, equipped as suits his station;He'll give you any further information.
[Exeunt Pooh-Bah and Nanki-Poo.
Enter Chorus of Nobles.
Behold the Lord High Executioner A personage of noble rank and title--A dignified and potent officer, Whose functions are particularly vital!
Defer, defer, To the Lord High Executioner!
Enter Ko-Ko attended.
SOLO--KO-KO.
Taken from the county jail By a set of curious chances;Liberated then on bail, On my own recognizances;Wafted by a favouring gale As one sometimes is in trances, To a height that few can scale, Save by long and weary dances;Surely, never had a male Under such like circumstances So adventurous a tale, Which may rank with most romances.
CHORUS.Defer, defer, To the Lord High Executioner, etc.
KO.Gentlemen, I'm much touched by this reception.I can only trust that by strict attention to duty I shall ensure a continuance of those favours which it will ever be my study to deserve.If I should ever be called upon to act professionally, I am happy to think that there will be no difficulty in finding plenty of people whose loss will be a distinct gain to society at large.
SONG--KO-KO with CHORUS OF MEN.
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found, I've got a little list--I've got a little list Of society offenders who might well be underground, And who never would be missed--who never would be missed!
There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs--All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs--All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat--All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that--And all third persons who on spoiling tte--ttes insist--They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed!
CHORUS.He's got 'em on the list--he's got 'em on the list;And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of 'em be missed.
There's the banjo serenader, and the others of his race, And the piano-organist--I've got him on the list!
And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face, They never would be missed--they never would be missed!
Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone, All centuries but this, and every country but his own;And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy, And who "doesn't think she waltzes, but would rather like to try";And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist--I don't think she'd be missed--I'm sure she'd not he missed!
CHORUS.He's got her on the list--he's got her on the list;And I don't think she'll be missed--I'm sure she'll not be missed!
And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife, The Judicial humorist--I've got him on the list!
All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life--They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed.
And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind, Such as--What d'ye call him--Thing'em-bob, and likewise--Never-mind, And 'St--'st--'st--and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who--The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you.
But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list, For they'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed!
CHORUS.You may put 'em on the list--you may put 'em on the list;And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of 'em be missed!
Enter Pooh-Bah.
KO.Pooh-Bah, it seems that the festivities in connection with my approaching marriage must last a week.I should like to do it handsomely, and I want to consult you as to the amount Iought to spend upon them.
POOH.Certainly.In which of my capacities? As First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chamberlain, Attorney General, Chancellor of the Exchequer, Privy Purse, or Private Secretary?
KO.Suppose we say as Private Secretary.
POOH.Speaking as your Private Secretary, I should say that, as the city will have to pay for it, don't stint yourself, do it well.
KO.Exactly--as the city will have to pay for it.That is your advice.
POOH.As Private Secretary.Of course you will understand that, as Chancellor of the Exchequer, I am bound to see that due economy is observed.