Frightened fawn in grassy mead--
Let the eagle, not the sparrow, Be the object of your arrow--Fix the tiger with your eye--Pass the fawn in pity by.
Glory then will crown the day--
Glory, glory, anyway!
Exit all.
Enter Scaphio and Phantis, now dressed as judges in red and ermine robes and undress wigs.They come down stage melodramatically --working together.
DUET -- Scaphio and Phantis.
Sca.: With fury deep we burnPhan.:We do--Sca.: We fume with smothered rage--Phan.:We do--Sca.: These Englishmen who rule supreme, Their undertaking they redeem By stifling every harmless scheme In which we both engage--Phan.:They do--Sca.:In which we both engage--Phan.: We think it is our turn--Sca.: We do--Phan.: We think our turn has come--Sca.: We do.
Phan.: These Englishmen, they must prepare To seek at once their native air.
The King as heretofore, we swear, Shall be beneath our thumb--Sca.: He shall--Phan.: Shall be beneath out thumb--Sca.: He shall.
Both: (with great energy)
For this mustn't be, and this won't do.
If you'll back me, then I'll back you, No, this won't do, No, this mustn't be.
With fury deep we burn...
Enter the King.
King: Gentlemen, gentlemen--really! This unseemly display of energy within the Royal precincts is altogether unpardon-able.Pray, what do you complain of?
Scaphio: (furiously) What do we complain of? Why, through the innovations introduced by the Flowers of Progress all our harmless schemes for making a provision for our old age are ruined.Our Matrimonial Agency is at a standstill, our Cheap Sherry business is in bankruptcy, our Army Clothing contracts are paralyzed, and even our Society paper, the Palace Peeper, is practically defunct!
King: Defunct? Is that so? Dear, dear, I am truly sorry.
Scaphio: Are you aware that Sir Bailey Barre has introduced a law of libel by which all editors of scurrilous newspapers are pub-licly flogged--as in England? And six of our editors have resigned in succession! Now, the editor of a scurrilous paper can stand a good deal--he takes a private thrashing as a matter of course--it's considered in his salary--but no gentleman likes to be publicly flogged.
King: Naturally.I shouldn't like it myself.
Phantis: Then our Burlesque Theater is absolutely ruined!
King: Dear me.Well, theatrical property is not what it was.
Phantis: Are you aware that the Lord Chamberlain, who has his own views as to the best means of elevating the national drama, has declined to license any play that is not in blank verse and three hundred years old--as in England?
Scaphio: And as if that wasn't enough, the County Councillor has or-dered a four-foot wall to be built up right across the proscenium, in case of fire--as in England.
Phantis: It's so hard on the company--who are liable to be roasted alive--and this has to be met by enormously increased salaries--as in England.
Scaphio: You probably know that we've contracted to supply the entire nation with a complete English outfit.But perhaps you do not know that, when we send in our bills, our customers plead liability limited to a declared capital of eighteenpence, and apply to be dealt with under the Winding-up Act--as in England?
King: Really, gentlemen, this is very irregular.If you will be so good as to formulate a detailed list of your grievances in writing, addressed to the Secretary of Utopia Limited, they will be laid before the Board, in due course, at their next monthly meeting.
Scaphio: Are we to understand that we are defied?
King: That is the idea I intended to convey.
Phantis: Defied! We are defied!
Scaphio: (furiously) Take care--you know our powers.Trifle with us, and you die!
TRIO -- Scaphio, Phantis, and King.
Sca.: If you think that, when banded in unity, We may both be defied with impunity, You are sadly misled of a verity!
Phan.:If you value repose and tranquility, You'll revert to a state of docility, Or prepare to regret your temerity!
King.:If my speech is unduly refractory You will find it a course satisfactory At an early Board meeting to show it up.
Though if proper excuse you can trump any, You may wind up a Limited Company, You cannot conveniently blow it up!
(Scaphio and Phantis thoroughly baffled)
King.: (Dancing quietly)
Whene'er I chance to baffle you I, also, dance a step or two--Of this now guess the hidden sense:
(Scaphio and Phantis consider the question as King continues dancing quietly--then give it up.)It means complete indifference!
Sca.and Phan.: Of course it does--indifference!
It means complete indifference!
(King dancing quietly.Sca.and Phan.dancing furiously.)Sca.and Phan.: As we've a dance for every mood With pas de trois we will conclude, What this may mean you all may guess--It typifies remorselessness!
King.: It means unruffled cheerfulness!
(King dances off placidly as Scaphio and Phantis dance furiously.)Phantis: (breathless) He's right--we are helpless! He's no longer a human being--he's a Corporation, and so long as he confines himself to his Articles of Association we can't touch him!
What are we to do?
Scaphio: Do? Raise a Revolution, repeal the Act of Sixty-Two, recon-vert him into an individual, and insist on his immediate ex-plosion! (Tarara enters.) Tarara, come here; you're the very man we want.
Tarara: Certainly, allow me.(Offers a cracker to each; they snatch them away impatiently.) That's rude.
Scaphio: We have no time for idle forms.You wish to succeed to the throne?
Tarara: Naturally.
Scaphio: Then you won't unless you join us.The King has defied us, and, as matters stand, we are helpless.So are you.We must devise some plot at once to bring the people about his ears.
Tarara: A plot?
Phantis: Yes, a plot of superhuman subtlety.Have you such a thing about you?
Tarara: (feeling) No, I think not.No.There's one on my dressing-table.
Scaphio: We can't wait--we must concoct one at once, and put it into execution without delay.There is not a moment to spare!
TRIO -- Scaphio, Phantis, and Tarara.