Zara: This County Councillor acclaim, Great Britain's latest toy--On anything you like to name His talents he'll employ--All streets and squares he'll purify Within your city walls, And keep meanwhile a modest eye On wicked music halls.
C.C.:Yes--yes--yes In towns I make improvements great, Which go to swell the County Rate--I dwelling-houses sanitate, And purify the Halls!
Chorus: In towns he makes improvements great, etc.
Ulahlica! Ulahlica! Ulahlica!
SOLO -- Zara:
(Presenting Mr.Goldbury)
A Company Promoter this with special education, Which teaches what Contango means and also Backwardation--To speculators he supplies a grand financial leaven, Time was when two were company--but now it must be seven.
Mr.Gold.: Yes--yes--yes Stupendous loans to foreign thrones I've largely advocated;In ginger-pops and peppermint-drops I've freely speculated;Then mines of gold, of wealth untold, Successfully I've floated And sudden falls in apple-stalls Occasionally quoted.
And soon or late I always call For Stock Exchange quotation--No schemes too great and none too small For Companification!
Chorus: Yes! Yes! Yes! No schemes too great, etc.
Ulahlica! Ulahlica! Ulahlica!
Zara: (Presenting Capt.Sir Edward Corcoran, R.N.)And lastly I present Great Britain's proudest boast, Who from the blows Of foreign foes Protects her sea-girt coast--And if you ask him in respectful tone, He'll show you how you may protect your own!
SOLO -- Captain CorcoranI'm Captain Corcoran, K.C.B., I'll teach you how we rule the sea, And terrify the simple Gauls;And how the Saxon and the Celt Their Europe-shaking blows have dealt With Maxim gun and Nordenfelt (Or will when the occasion calls).
If sailor-like you'd play your cards, Unbend your sails and lower your yards, Unstep your masts--you'll never want 'em more.
Though we're no longer hearts of oak, Yet we can steer and we can stoke, And thanks to coal, and thanks to coke, We never run a ship ashore!
All: What never?
Capt.: No, never!
All: What never?
Capt: Hardly ever!
All: Hardly ever run a ship ashore!
Then give three cheers, and three cheers more, For the tar who never runs his ship ashore;Then give three cheers, and three cheers more, For he never runs his ship ashore!
CHORUS
All hail, ye types of England's power--
Ye heaven-enlightened band!
We bless the day and bless the hour That brought you to our land.
QUARTET
Ye wanderers from a mighty State, Oh, teach us how to legislate--Your lightest word will carry weight, In our attentive ears.
Oh, teach the natives of this land (Who are not quick to understand)How to work off their social and Political arrears!
Capt.Fitz.: Increase your army!
Lord D.:Purify your court!
Capt.Corc:Get up your steam and cut your canvas short!
Sir B.:To speak on both sides teach your sluggish brains!
Mr.B.:Widen your thoroughfares, and flush your drains!
Mr.Gold.: Utopia's much too big for one small head--I'll float it as a Company Limited!
King: A Company Limited? What may that be?
The term, I rather think, is new to me.
Chorus:A company limited? etc.
Sca, Phant, and Tara (Aside)
What does he mean? What does he mean?
Give us a kind of clue!
What does he mean? What does he mean?
What is he going to do?
SONG -- Mr.GoldburySome seven men form an Association (If possible, all Peers and Baronets), The start off with a public declaration To what extent they mean to pay their debts.
That's called their Capital; if they are wary They will not quote it at a sum immense.
The figure's immaterial--it may vary From eighteen million down to eighteenpence.
I should put it rather low;
The good sense of doing so Will be evident at once to any debtor.
When it's left to you to say What amount you mean to pay, Why, the lower you can put it at, the better.
Chorus: When it's left to you to say, etc.
They then proceed to trade with all who'll trust 'em Quite irrespective of their capital (It's shady, but it's sanctified by custom);Bank, Railway, Loan, or Panama Canal.
You can't embark on trading too tremendous--It's strictly fair, and based on common sense--If you succeed, your profits are stupendous--And if you fail, pop goes your eighteenpence.
Make the money-spinner spin!
For you only stand to win, And you'll never with dishonesty be twitted.
For nobody can know, To a million or so, To what extent your capital's committed!
Chorus: No, nobody can know, etc.
If you come to grief, and creditors are craving (For nothing that is planned by mortal head Is certain in this Vale of Sorrow--saving That one's Liability is Limited),--Do you suppose that signifies perdition?
If so, you're but a monetary dunce--
You merely file a Winding-Up Petition, And start another Company at once!
Though a Rothschild you may be In your own capacity, As a Company you've come to utter sorrow--But the Liquidators say, "Never mind--you needn't pay,"So you start another company to-morrow!
Chorus: But the liquidators say, etc.
King: Well, at first sight it strikes us as dishonest, But if its's good enough for virtuous England--The first commercial country in the world--It's good enough for us.
Sca., Phan., Tar.(aside to the King)
You'd best take care--
Please recollect we have not been consulted.
King: And do I understand that Great Britain Upon this Joint Stock principle is governed?
Mr.G.: We haven't come to that, exactly--but We're tending rapidly in that direction.
The date's not distant.
King: (enthusiastically) We will be before you!
We'll go down in posterity renowned As the First Sovereign in Christendom Who registered his Crown and Country under The Joint Stock Company's Act of Sixty-Two.
All: Ulahlica!
SOLO -- KingHenceforward, of a verity, With Fame ourselves we link--We'll go down to Posterity Of sovereigns all the pink!
Sca., Phan., Tar.: (aside to King)
If you've the mad temerity Our wishes thus to blink, You'll go down to Posterity, Much earlier than you think!
Tar.: (correcting them)
He'll go up to Posterity, If I inflict the blow!
Sca., Phan.: (angrily)