`No, but she has bid adieu to me; and I have promised never to go near that house again while she inhabits it.' I could have groaned aloud at the bitter thoughts awakened by this turn in the discourse. But I only clenched my hands, and stamped my foot upon the rug. My companion however, was evidently relieved.
`You have done right!' he said in a tone of unqualified approbation, while his face brightened into almost a sunny expression. `And as for the mistake, I am sorry for both our sakes that it should have occurred. Perhaps you can forgive my want of candour, and remember, as some partial mitigation of the offence, how little encouragement to friendly confidence you have given me of late.'
`Yes, yes, I remember it all: nobody can blame me more than I blame myself in my own heart--at any rate, nobody can regret more sincerely than I do the result of my brutality as you rightly term it.'
`Never mind that,' said he, faintly smiling; `let us forget all unpleasant words on both sides, as well as deeds, and consign to oblivion everything that we have cause to regret. Have you any objection to take my hand--or you'd rather not?' It trembled through weakness, as he held it out, and dropped before I had time to catch it and give it a hearty squeeze, which he had not the strength to return.
`How dry and burning your hand is Lawrence,' said I. `You are really ill, and I have made you worse by all this talk.'
`Oh, it is nothing: only a cold got by the rain.'
`My doing, too.'
`Never mind that--but tell me, did you mention this affair to my sister?'
`To confess the truth, I had not the courage to do so; but when you tell her, will you just say that I deeply regret it, and--'
`Oh, never fear! I shall say nothing against you, as long as you keep your good resolution of remaining aloof from her. She has not heard of my illness then, that you are aware of?'
`I think not.'
`I'm glad of that, for I have been all this time tormenting myself with the fear that somebody would tell her I was dying, or desperately ill, and she would be either distressing herself on account of her inability to hear from me or do me any good, or perhaps committing the madness of coming to see me. I must contrive to let her know something about it, if I can,' continued he reflectively, `or she will be hearing some such story.
Many would be glad to tell her such news, just to see how she would take it; and then she might expose herself to fresh scandal.'
`I wish I had told her,' said I. `If it were not for my promise, I would tell her now.
`By no means! I am not dreaming of that;--but if I were to write a short note, now--not mentioning you, Markham, but just giving a slight account of my illness, by way of excuse for my not coming to see her, and to put her on her guard against any exaggerated reports she may hear,--and address it in a disguised hand--would you do me the favour to slip it into the post-office as you pass? for I dare not trust any of the servants in such a case.
Most willingly I consented, and immediately brought him his desk.
There was little need to disguise his hand, for the poor fellow seemed to have considerable difficulty in writing at all, so as to be legible.
When the note was done, I thought it time to retire, and took leave after asking if there was anything in the world I could do for him, little or great, in the way of alleviating his sufferings, and repairing the injury I had done.
`No,' said he; `you have already done much towards it; you have done more for me than the most skilful physician could do; for you have relieved my mind of two great burdens--anxiety on my sister's account, and deep regret upon your own, for I do believe these two sources of torment have had more effect in working me up into a fever, than anything else; and I am persuaded I shall soon recover now. There is one more thing you can do for me, and that is, come and see me now and then--for you see I am very lonely here, and I promise your entrance shall not be disputed again.'
I engaged to do so, and departed with a cordial pressure of the hand. I posted the letter on my way home, most manfully resisting the temptation of dropping in a word from myself at the same time.