Now that I have seen for myself what he is really like, I can feel for him. I wanted to tell Oscar this--I wanted to say that he might bring his brother to live with us if he liked--I wanted to prevent (just what has happened,) his going away from _me_ when he wishes to see his brother.
You are using me very hardly among you; and I have some reason to complain of it."
While she was talking in this mortifying manner, I felt some consolation nevertheless. Oscar's disfigured complexion would not be the terrible obstacle in the way of his restoration to Lucilla that I had feared. All the comfort which this reflection could give, I wanted badly enough.
There was no open hostility towards me on Lucilla's part--but there was a coolness which I found more distressing to bear than hostility itself. I breakfasted in bed the next morning, and only rose towards noon--just in time to say good-bye to Grosse before he returned to London.
He was in high good spirits about his patient. Her eyes were the better instead of the worse for the exertion to which he had subjected them on the previous day. The bracing air of Ramsgate was all that was wanting to complete the success of the operation. Mr. Finch had started objections, all turning on the question of expense. But with a daughter who was her own mistress, and who had her own fortune, his objections mattered nothing. By the next day, or the day after at latest, we were to start for Ramsgate. I promised to write to our good surgeon as soon as we were established; and he engaged on his side, to visit us immediately after.
"Let her use her eyes for two goot hours every day," said Grosse, at parting. "She may do what she likes with them--except that she must not peep into books, or take up pens, till I come to you at Ramsgate. It is most wonderful-beautiful to see how those new eyes of hers do get along.
When I next meet goot Mr. Sebrights--hey! how I shall cock-crow over that spick-span respectable man!"
I felt a little nervous as to how the day would pass--when the German left me alone with Lucilla.
To my amazement, she not only met me with the needful excuses for her behavior on the previous day, but showed herself to be perfectly resigned to the temporary loss of Oscar's society. It was she (not I) who remarked that he could not have chosen a better time for being away from her, than the humiliating time when she was learning to distinguish between round and square. It was she (not I) who welcomed the little journey to Ramsgate as a pleasant change in her dull life, which would help to reconcile her to Oscar's absence. In brief, if she had actually received a letter from Oscar, relieving her of all anxiety about him, her words and looks could hardly have offered a completer contrast than they now showed to her words and looks of the previous day.
If I had noticed no other alteration in her than this welcome change for the better, my record of the day would have ended here, as the record of unmixed happiness.
But, I grieve to say, I have something unpleasant to add. While she was making her excuses to me, and speaking in the sensible and satisfactory terms which I have just repeated, I noticed a curious underlying embarrassment in her manner, entirely unlike any previous embarrassment which had ever intruded itself between us. And, stranger still, on the first occasion when Zillah came into the room, while I was in it, I observed that Lucilla's embarrassment was reflected (when the old woman spoke to me) in the face and manner of Lucilla's nurse.
But one conclusion could possibly follow from what I saw:--they were both concealing something from me; and they were both more or less ashamed of what they were doing.
Somewhere--not very far back in these pages--I have said of myself that I am not by nature a woman who is easily ready to suspect others. On this very account, when I find suspicion absolutely forced on me--as it was now--I am apt to fly into the opposite extreme. In the present case, I fixed on the person to suspect--all the more readily from having been slow to suspect him in bygone days. "In some way or other," I said to myself, "Nugent Dubourg is at the bottom of this."
Was he communicating with her privately, in the name and in the character of Oscar?
The bare idea of it hurried me headlong into letting her know that I had noticed the change in her.
"Lucilla!" I said. "Has anything happened?"
"What do you mean?" she asked coldly.
"I fancy I see some change----" I began.
"I don't understand you," she answered, walking away from me as she spoke.