"Wery glad to see you, Sammy," said the elder Mr.Weller, "though how you've managed to get over your mother-in-law, is a mystery to me.I only vish you'd write me out the receipt, that's all.""Hush!" said Sam, "she's at home, old feller.""She ain't vithin herein'," replied Mr.Weller; "she always goes and blows up, down-stairs, for a couple of hours arter tea; so we'll just give ourselves a damp, Sammy."Saying this, Mr.Weller mixed two glasses of spirits and water, and produced a couple of pipes.The father and son sitting down opposite each other: Sam on one side of the fire, in the high-backed chair, and Mr.Weller senior on the other, in an easy ditto: they proceeded to enjoy themselves with all due gravity.
"Anybody been here, Sammy?" asked Mr.Weller senior, drily, after a long silence.
Sam nodded an expressive assent.
"Red-nosed chap?" inquired Mr.Weller.
Sam nodded again.
"Amiable man that 'ere, Sammy," said Mr.Weller, smoking violently.
"Seems so," observed Sam.
"Good hand at accounts," said Mr.Weller.
"Is he?" said Sam.
"Borrows eighteenpence on Monday, and comes on Tuesday for a shillin'
to make it up half a crown; calls again on Vensday for another half crown to make it five shillin's; and goes on, doubling, till he gets it up to a five pound note in no time, like them sums in the 'rithmetic book 'bout the nails in the horse's shoes, Sammy."Sam intimated by a nod that he recollected the problem alluded to by his parent.
"So you vouldn't subscribe to the flannel veskits?" said Sam, after another interval of smoking.
"Cert'nly not," replied Mr.Weller; "what's the good o' flannel veskits to the young niggers abroad? But I'll tell you what it is, Sammy," said Mr.Weller, lowering his voice, and bending across the fireplace; "I'd come down wery handsome towards strait veskits for some people at home."As Mr.Weller said this, he slowly recovered his former position, and winked at his first-born, in a profound manner.
"It cert'nly seems a queer start to send out pocket ankerchers to people as don't know the use on 'em," observed Sam.
"They're alvays a doin' some gammon of that sort, Sammy," replied his father."T'other Sunday I wos walkin' up the road, wen who should I see, a standin' at a chapel-door, with a blue soup-plate in her hand, but your mother-in-law! I werily believe there was change for a couple o' suv'rins in it, then, Sammy, all in ha'pence; and as the people come out, they rattled the pennies in it, till you'd ha' thought that no mortal plate as ever was baked, could ha' stood the wear and tear.What d'ye think it was all for?""For another tea-drinkin', perhaps," said Sam.
"Not a bit on it," replied the father; "for the shepherd's water-rate, Sammy.""The shepherd's water-rate!" said Sam.
"Ay," replied Mr.Weller, "there was three quarters owin', and the shepherd hadn't paid a farden, not he--perhaps it might be on account that the water warn't o' much use to him, for it's wery little o' that tap he drinks, Sammy, wery; he knows a trick worth a good half dozen of that, he does.
Hows'ever, it warn't paid, and so they cuts the water off.Down goes the shepherd to chapel, gives out as he's a persecuted saint, and says he hopes the heart of the turncock as cut the water off, 'll be softened, and turned in the right vay: but he rayther thinks he's booked for somethin' uncomfortable.
Upon this, the women calls a meetin', sings a hymn, wotes your mother-in-law into the chair, wolunteers a collection next Sunday, and hands it all over to the shepherd.And if he ain't got enough out on 'em, Sammy, to make him free of the water company for life," said Mr.Weller, in conclusion, "I'm one Dutchman, and you're another, and that's all about it."Mr.Weller smoked for some minutes in silence, and then resumed:
"The worst o' these here shepherds is, my boy, that they reg'larly turns the heads of all the young ladies, about here.Lord bless their little hearts, they thinks it's all right, and don't know no better; but they're the wictims o' gammon, Samivel, they're the wictims o' gammon.""I s'pose they are," said Sam.